


Time and Confusion

by rudennotgingr



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-09 22:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudennotgingr/pseuds/rudennotgingr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor encourages Rose to date while still traveling together. Going along with his demands, Rose finds herself going on a date with her future self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by gallifreyslostson. Prompt written for pinkliliflower.

"It'll be good for you."

"But I don't--"

"I promise I'll make time between running."

"But--"

"No buts, I know how you apes are. You need this."

Strong hands gripped her shoulders, guiding her to the leather chair. He pushed her down into the seat, keeping his fingers on her in case she tried to bolt.

"Take your time, I have some routine maintenance to do anyway. Have fun." The Doctor give her a brief squeeze then vanished from the room.

Rose stared at the computer screen, the bright artificial light harsh against her eyes. This was ridiculous. Ever since the incident with the Dalek and her falling out with Adam, he had pushed her to date. Upon first meeting, Adam had been a welcome distraction. A distraction from the feelings she was starting to identify as not strictly friendly towards the Doctor. _He_ didn't do that sort of thing. Adam had perfect timing really.

Until he had proved himself stupid and useless. Her face twisted in disgust just thinking about it. It was definitely not her loss when they dropped him back at home. It was her and the Doctor once more. Just the way she liked it, even if there was no hope of him returning her silly crush. That's what she told herself anyway. Sometime after taking her to see her father, the topic of her needing to date was dropped.

When Jack came along, so did the flirting and the hooded gazes and the dancing. She decided she rather liked the Doctor when he was jealous. She wanted him to _dance_ with her. The crush that she had before thought of as childish and fleeting, was slowly burning her from the inside out. She wouldn't call it love, but she couldn't dismiss the possibility entirely, either--it was clearly more than just a silly infatuation.

Unfortunately, the push for her to start seeing someone (as long as it wasn't Jack), returned full force. She really didn't see how it was any of the Doctor's business. But the he was relentless, always pushing and prodding. When it became apparent that she was going to do no such thing, he grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her down the corridor.

Now, here she sat...expected to fill out this bloody profile for some bloody online dating match up. This particular program was supposedly a much more advanced and accurate program from the future. She snorted and touched the screen, beginning to answer all the basic questions. Then came the complex ones, the ones meant to determine what kind of match suited her. He wanted her to fill it out, fine. She knew exactly what she was looking for, and there was only one in whole universe.

Time traveling alien with dancing issues.

.....

She had gotten a response. Completing the questionnaire, she had gripped the counter, ready to push away, when the screen had dinged at her. She had planned on leaving it up, letting the Doctor find it and see what his reaction would be. All her answers obviously pointed to him. How could she have gotten a response so quickly? She bit her lip and squinted at the display. She wasn't interested in anyone else, but...

Her curiosity got the better of her. Opening the message, she had to stifle a gasp as the words sunk in.

_Don't let him see this. He's not ready. It's imperative that you meet me before your next visit home. Tomorrow evening, that chippy on Delta Prime. The one that reminded you of home. And don't let Jack find this either._

Clicking on the profile it was sent from, she saw nothing but generic answers, blank spaces, and no picture. Of course. She should have been afraid, should have been wondering who could know so much about her. And in a small way she was. Mostly, she couldn't wait to find out who it was. She couldn't wait to give them a bloody piece of her mind.

.....

Rose entered the chippy, or what resembled one the next evening. Jack had teased her when she left, she ignored him. The Doctor had seemed largely surprised that she had garnered a date so quickly and when it came time for her to head out, he was moody and withdrawn. She tried not to let it show how much it hurt. This would only be a one time thing anyway. She just wanted to yell at the prick who thought it funny to prey on unsuspecting people looking for love. Never mind the fact that she hadn't actually been looking.

She sat down at a booth, sliding across the dark upholstered material. She placed an order, might as well since she was here, and placed her hands on the shiny blue table to wait. The place was relatively packed and she soon grew tired of looking around, trying to determine who it could be. Her food arrived and she thanked the waiter before dousing the chips in what equated for vinegar. Spearing a chip with her fork, she raised it to her lips.

A figure swooped into the booth across from her. Rose's eyes widened and her fork clattered to the table.

"But...you're...that's..." Rose couldn't properly form the words. She was staring at herself. She was wearing a purple hoodie, her hair was a bit shorter, and her face just a tad thinner. It was a slightly older version of herself from the looks of it, but it was definitely her. 

"Impossible?" The other girl supplied, a smile twitching across her lips.

"Yeah. I mean, no. I guess not..." Rose trailed off and hunched forward, whispering as if she were sharing a secret, "Are you from my future?"

"Yes."

"How far?" Rose continued to whisper, the anticipation for how long her future self had been traveling with the Doctor twisting her stomach in knots.

"Oh, about a year." The other Rose shrugged and reached forward to snag a chip. "Give or take, depending on how you look at it."

"That's it?" Rose snapped straight up. A year? That was good, but no where near as long as she had hoped.

"Oi! I can leave if you like, make you use that dating site for real next time." She popped the chip in her mouth, staring pointedly at Rose as she chewed.

"Ugh, no ta." Rose shuddered then eyed her future self critically. "So what are you...am I, doing here?"

"You're going to need me." The other her picked up another chip, keeping her eyes averted.

"So I'm going to see you again?"

"Yes."

"What for?"

"Blimey, I'm nosy. Do I ever stop talking? No wonder he..." Future Rose's eyes widened and her jaw remained hanging open.

"He? Who's he?" Rose suspected she meant the Doctor, but she wanted to know for sure. 'He' could mean Jack for all she knew.

"Nothing. You'll see for yourself, all too soon." The other Rose shook her head and a sad look flitted over her features as she stared at the basket of chips.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rose was beginning to get frustrated. What was the point of meeting a future version of yourself if you couldn't get some bloody answers.

"Don't worry about it right now, yeah?" She gave a small smile. "Let's just eat and enjoy this time together...er, alone? I'm not sure. Anyway, catch me up on where you're at."

Rose reluctantly agreed, thinking maybe she could get some hints about what was to come through relaxed conversation. She talked to herself, well the older her, for an hour. They laughed and reminisced and devoured three baskets of chips. It was an interesting experience and Rose was sad to see it end.

"I've gotta go." The future version said, jerking her head towards the booth's opening. "I need to get back to the...well, I just need to go."

"Are you," Rose paused, realizing the conversation had centered around their shared experiences. There was one thing she desperately needed to know. "Am I...still traveling with the Doctor?"

"Yes." That same sad smile flittered over her face. "Enjoy the next, well, I can't really tell you how long...but just...promise me you'll enjoy it?"

"I always do, you know that." Rose furrowed her brow, there was something her future self wasn't telling her. Something important.

"Yeah, but just-just promise me."

"Alright, I promise. Why? What's gonna happen?"

The older her shook her head. "You'll know when it happens. Keep the profile and message me when it does. and I trust I don't have to tell you _not_ to tell the Doctor about this?"

Rose nodded.

The other Rose reached across the table and squeezed her hand before sliding out of the booth and heading for the exit. A feeling of dread washed over her, tightening her chest and making it hard to breathe. Rose sat, staring somberly at the empty chip basket, for a long while before heading back to the TARDIS.

The Doctor never asked how it went. And she never ventured to say.

.....

His regeneration had come as a shock, and at first she had rejected the idea that he was somehow still the same person. However, it didn't take long to see that he was most definitely still the Doctor. And it didn't take long for Rose to realize that she still loved him. She had admitted to herself that that's what she felt the instant he had sent her away from the Game Station.

She thought she was fine, settling into the new him. The new mannerisms, the new (and gorgeous) face...the new closeness. And then came New Earth and Cassandra. Her mind invaded and her body used in a way she had wanted, but on her own terms. It all came rushing back at once. The pain of losing her old Doctor and of suddenly being unsure where lines where drawn with her new Doctor. She needed distance, she needed to think.

She sent her future self a message and they arranged to meet in two days, at the same location.

The Doctor didn't say anything when she told him she had a date at the same location, but she could see the surprise and mild disappointment in his eyes. She wished she could tell him what was really going on. She felt guilty for misleading him, especially when she would much rather go on a date with him. A proper date...a date with dancing.

Two days later, she was giving him a quick hug goodbye, her heart clenching as his hand trailed down her arm, reluctant to let her go. She felt his eyes on her all the way down the ramp and out the door, a steady weight resting between her shoulder blades. She couldn't bring herself to look back, fearing that if she did, she wouldn't make it out the door.

Her future self was already at a booth with a fresh basket of chips waiting on the table. Rose wasted no time getting right to what was bothering her. She unloaded all of it. The kiss, the invasion of privacy, the tension (sexual and otherwise), and finally the regeneration. How it left her feeling lost and abandoned, even though he was standing right in front of her. The awkward combination of guilt and grief swirling inside and making her sick.

By the time she had finished she was crying. Her future self wordlessly got up and slipped in to her side of the booth. She wrapped her arms around Rose and pulled her into a comforting embrace and Rose sobbed into her older self’s shoulder until she had no more tears left. 

It was odd, being comforted by yourself. Yet, Rose knew that no one would be better able to understand. The future her had already gone through this and made it out the other side. Right now it was hard to imagine things getting easier. Thinking about it, the older her seemed rather happy. Both times they had met, she acted similar, slightly reserved but with an air of contentment about her. Rose could tell her future self was trying to keep the happiness from bubbling over. The signs were clear as day, it was still her after all.

Rose sat up and wiped away the tears still clinging to her cheeks. She looked at her future self and took a deep, shaky breath. "Why are you so happy?"

"What?" The other her blinked then looked away. "I'm not..."

"Don't lie to me, I can tell." Rose arched an eyebrow. "We are the same person remember? So, spill."

Her future self met her gaze as she bit her lip, trying to hide a smile. "Let's just say, I find someone who makes me really happy."

"Someone? So it's not the Doctor?" Rose felt anger and irritation bubble within her. If she hadn't given up on the Doctor after he had changed his entire appearance, why would she give up on him in the future? She couldn't think of a single thing.

"I can't tell you who it is."

"But he's everything, why would you just throw that away?" Sure she had doubted him at the start. But it was normal, she thought. How else was one supposed to react when a person alters their face and their personality without explaining it before hand?

"I'm still traveling with him aren't I?" The future Rose snapped, her eyes flashing.

"And rubbing it in his face I bet, knowing me." Rose sneered. She rubbed her temple, feeling tears burn the back of her eyes. "I can't think about this right now. Move."

Her future self slid slowly out of the booth, giving Rose room to get out. Rising from the seat, Rose stormed off, not saying good bye.

The Doctor watched her with worried eyes as she rushed through the TARDIS doors and down the corridor to her room. Neither said a word.

.....

Rose almost deleted her profile. She was furious at her future self. What was the point in comforting her about the regeneration and telling her to stick it out, if she would just end up with someone else? And who in the world would she find that could understand life with the Doctor? It ate at the edges of her thoughts, a constant buzz that she couldn't dismiss.

Until the werewolf and the Queen. Until the touching and the flirting. How could she find someone better than the Doctor? All thoughts of a future she decided she didn't want got pushed to the back of her mind. She was happy now, and wanted things to stay this way. If the Doctor never stated outright that he returned her feelings, that was alright with her. She could see it in his actions and the way she caught him looking at her when he thought she wasn't looking.

Her euphoria and carefree spirits were short lived. A small crack, a tiny disturbance arriving in the form of Sarah Jane. A sobering reality check in pain filled eyes and harsh whispered words.

_But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone you..._

He had never finished that sentence, but she knew. Oh, she knew deep in her heart how it was supposed to end. And it turned out that she got on wonderfully with Sarah Jane. Rose hoped to visit her again one day.

The whole experience should have served to bring her and the Doctor closer together. It probably would have, had it not been for Mickey...and 18th century France.

The incident at the school had reminded the Doctor of Rose's mortality and had sent him running. Straight into the arms of another woman. Reinette, mistress to the King of France. Rose knew for certain that the Doctor had kissed her. She didn't know if he had slept with her. There had been plenty of time for him to. And the obvious way he had become enamored with her so quickly left Rose feeling like he might as well have.

It wasn't just the probable relationship with another, more refined, woman that had Rose feeling crushed and heart broken. After all, she had no real claim on him. Just her misguided interpretations. The final blow had been the fact that he had carelessly left her and Mickey alone on that spaceship, possibly to die, and with no known way for him to get back to them. Her old Doctor would have never left her behind, not like that.

The look on the Doctor's face upon learning of Reinette's death shattered whatever was left of Rose's heart. Unable to sort out her emotions, Rose left the Doctor alone and went to seek solace from someone she knew would understand. Herself.

Rose sent the message, apologizing for her attitude last time and begging to meet up. She received a reply within minutes. Tomorrow, same place.

.....

This time she was secretly enjoying the hurt in the Doctor's eyes as she gave him a brief goodbye, no hug, and practically ran out the door. She would probably feel guilty later, but right now, she didn't care.

She rushed into the restaurant and headed to the booth her and her future self had sat at the past two times. She needed to unload soon, or else she was likely to explode. Irrational anger burned in her veins as she realized that someone else was in their usual place. She bit her tongue, trying to calm herself enough to ask the person to please find a different seat.

The wild brown hair was all she could see as she approached the man from behind. She buried the sense of familiarity down deep, telling herself there was no way it could be _him_.

She was wrong.

He turned to look at her, twisting in his seat, once she was standing right beside him. His brown eyes focused on her. A dark haunted look settled over his features and she could see the tension in his shoulders, even under his tan trench coat. Before, she would have gone to him, held him in her arms and soothed away whatever worry and pain he was carrying as best she could. This time, she had no sympathy to give.

The very person she was trying to get away from, and here he was. She felt cheated, betrayed. Why would _she_ send him? It wasn't fair. He was the last person she wanted to talk to. Rose felt like she was drowning, the walls of the restaurant closed in around her. Her gaze darted around the room, her emotionally overloaded brain trying to remember the direction of the exit. She had to get out.

"Rose, wait." There was a raw desperation in his voice that she had never heard before. Maybe she should...

The Doctor slid to the edge of the booth.

No. She wouldn't let him manipulate her.

Taking a slow step backwards, nearly colliding with a passing waiter, she shook her head at the Doctor as he tried to reach for her. Turning on her heel, she did what he had done when it became too much. She ran.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by gallifreyslostson. Prompt written for pinkliliflower. This is going to end up having three parts instead of just the two. Oops.

Rose tore through the street, dodging people and almost getting run over by someone on what looked like a bicycle of sorts. Her mind raced ahead of her feet, trying to recall the layout of the town, trying to remember a decent place to hide. She couldn't focus. The hurt and confusion weighing on her rapidly beating heart were too much.

She knew the Doctor was following her, she could hear his foot falls close behind her. He should have caught up to her by now. With his longer legs and bloody superior biology, there was no way she had managed to outrun him this long. He was letting her stay just out of reach. Of all the fucking nerve.

Her anger came to a head when she found herself running down an alley with a dead end, a sudden obvious thought zipping through her mind. What if this was her current Doctor? Not the Doctor belonging to her future self? Rage shot through her veins as she whirled around to face him, her fight response rapidly replacing her earlier urge to flee.

"What the fuck are you playing at?" Rose shouted at him, her entire body trembling with barely contained fury as he skidded to a stop a few feet away from her.

The Doctor's jaw dropped and he recoiled as if she had slapped him. Her hands twitched, if he came any closer she just might.

"Rose...I-I'm not playing anything." There it was again, that raw despair that tugged on her heart. His dark eyes pleaded with her, begging her to believe him. She wanted to believe him, she would always want to believe him.

But this time...she couldn't. Not yet.

"Which one are you?" She demanded, her eyes flashing. He looked at her in confusion but thankfully kept his distance. "Are you her Doctor? Or are you mine? Because if you're mine you better--"

His shoulders slumped and he slowly shook his head. "I will always be _your_ Doctor. Time or place doesn't matter." He stared at her with a burning intensity she had never seen before.

She licked her lips, uncertainty and frustration warring within her. He had avoided a straight answer, which wasn't that surprising. But something in the way he had said the words told her that he wasn't her current Doctor.

"So the future then?" She asked, the tension draining from her shoulders.

He nodded and took a step closer, his hands balled into tight fists at his side. Rose swallowed and stayed put.

"Where is she? Where am I? Why send you?"

His jaw clenched and his eyes turned hard before he squeezed them shut. She watched him carefully. This Doctor was always able to flip from one mood to the next with no warning and seemingly no in between. But this was different. He was unhinged, fighting himself for control. She tried not to think about why, tried to push the sense of foreboding away.

The Doctor's tense posture slowly relaxed and he took several deep breaths before opening his eyes. Rose gasped. The usual light and excitement she had expected to see was no where to be found. The sadness and hopelessness swirling in his gaze was overwhelming. She felt tears pool in the corners of her eyes, his pain so deep and out in the open that she felt it down to her soul.

He stepped forward, cautiously closing the distance between them. Her earlier anger had dissipated, his emotions pouring off of him and threatening to drown her. He raised a shaky hand to her cheek, brushing away a tear she hadn't felt fall. Standing directly in front of her, his face inches away, she could see tears shining in his eyes. The sadness she had rarely seen from him before was nothing to how he looked now. Not even when he had lost Reinette.

His fingers tangled gently in her hair and her heart beat wildly in her chest.

Reinette.

Rose pulled away shaking her head, ignoring the strangled sound he made in his throat. No, he was not going to get away with it that easy. This Doctor may not have been the one to recently break her heart. But he had done so in his past. As she tried to step further away, he snagged her wrist and pulled her roughly against him, wrapping his arms around her.

"Doctor. Let. Go," she bit out between clenched teeth.

She pushed on his shoulders, but he only held on tighter. He buried his face in her neck and she froze, her fingers digging into the fabric of his coat. He was beginning to scare her, he had never been this desperate, this needy. What had happened? He took a deep shuddering breath, the exhalation of air skating over her skin and making her shiver.

"I know you're mad at me, I can tell. And I'll answer whatever you need to know. Just...don't leave." His voice shook and he squeezed harder, crushing her ribs beneath his arms. "Please don't leave."

He sounded broken, like he was barely hanging on. His body trembled under her fingers and she could feel his breath coming in short ragged gasps against her neck. Whatever had happened had torn down the confident man she knew, leaving a battered hollow shell in his place. Whatever the cause, it was worse than her own heartache. He had promised to talk...her problems could wait.

Rose wrapped her arms around his neck, rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder and the back of his head, his hair soft between her fingers. The Doctor melted against her, holding her impossibly closer, and nestling deeper into the crook of her neck, breathing her in. She whispered quiet, and hopefully calming, words into his ear. Small tremors wracked his body. It wasn't until she felt a tiny drop run down her collarbone that she realized he was crying.

The sense of dread returned, hitting her full force. She tensed up, ceasing her motions and swallowing hard. She didn't want to assume anything about their relationship, especially now. Not so soon after...but the way he was clinging to her, the way he had pleaded with her not to leave...

"Doctor,” she paused to take a steadying breath, “Where am I? For you I mean."

He lifted his head to look at her, yet kept their bodies pressed together. The pain and grief written all over his face was all she needed to know.

"I'm dead, aren't I?" Her words were flat, a question she didn’t really need the answer to. Her stomach lurched and she bit her tongue in an effort not to vomit.

He shook his head, the bit of fringe hanging over his forehead jerking back and forth.

"Then what?"

Silence stretched between them. Rose became aware that her one hand was still buried in his hair. It was hard to resist the urge to sift the silky strands through her fingers.

"Come with me?" He asked tentatively, breaking the silence. He rushed ahead to clarify when he saw her look of concern. "Not, not like that. Not that I don't want you to. Just...out of the alley." He cocked his head in the direction they had come from.

"So...not to your TARDIS?" Rose wanted to be sure she understood. Mad as she was at her current Doctor, it wouldn’t do to run off with a future version of himself.

"If you step foot on my TARDIS, I don't know that I'd have the strength to let you leave." His hands tightened their grip on her, proving his point. Not that he needed to. The heavy seriousness in his voice and eyes was enough for her to believe him.

Rose nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Untangling from each other, the Doctor quickly placed his hand in hers, holding tightly as if she were a lifeline. They walked hand in hand out of the alley and down the street to a park. The grass was a deep shade of blue, reminding Rose of the TARDIS. Large trees with branches hanging to the ground, like weeping willows, were placed sporadically around the park, their leaves in varying shades of purple rustling in the slight breeze. Parting the branches of one the trees, they ducked into their own secluded hide away, leaving the rest of the world behind.

The Doctor sat on the ground, crossing his legs and wasting no time tugging her down to him. She squeaked in surprise, blindly gripping at his coat to remain upright and not knock him backwards. His arms snaked around her waist and she stretched her legs over his thigh, sitting sideways in his lap. Rose's stomach flipped as she once again found herself nearly nose to nose with the Doctor. This body had been more physical from the start, but he had never been _this_ affectionate. It was like a shift in their relationship had happened and she had missed the moment the line had finally been crossed. Then she remembered...this wasn't _her_ Doctor.

"So…” she began, fidgeting with the lapels of his coat, “What happened?"

"I...I can't tell you." Sadness crept back into his eyes and his shoulders sagged.

"You promised. Or is this another promise you never intended to keep?" She let the words sink in, taking no joy in adding to his obvious hurt, but needing to prove her point.

His eyes narrowed and he scrutinized her face, eyes dropping to skate over the rest of her body for the briefest moment. "When is it for you?"

"Don't avoid the question."

"I'll answer after you tell me."

"No. Not this time.” Rose shook her head then stared him down. “Answer my question or I will walk away right now. See how long it takes for your Time Lord brain to figure it out then."

He flinched and his fingers dug into the fabric of her shirt. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. "I lost you."

"Lost me?” She blinked and wrinkled her brow. That was the big issue? That was easy to fix. “What the bloody hell are you moping around here for then? Go find me you git." She smiled widely, indicating the slight teasing nature of her last comment.

He didn’t smile back.

"Rose...I can't. I've tried everything. I know where you are, but I...if I go back for you...all of reality will collapse. There is _nothing_ I can do.” He ground the last sentence out between his teeth. A tiny spark flickered briefly in his eyes only to be snuffed out, leaving his gaze empty and defeated. “Last of the almighty Time Lords and I can't even find a way to--" He clicked his jaw shut.

"A way to what?" She prodded gently.

"I answered your question." He blinked and his expression shifted, closing off from her. "Now would you please answer mine?"

Rose stiffened in his grip, unconsciously putting a bit more distance between them. "Right after...after France." She dropped her hands into her lap, her earlier anger bubbling back to the surface.

"Oh." A flicker of something she assumed to be grief over losing Reinette flashed in his eyes. She should have known.

"Why am I even talking to you about this. This is exactly why I didn't talk to you in the first place." Rose pushed away from him, struggling slightly she managed to stand, free from his grasp. She didn’t miss the pained look in his eyes. She wasn’t planning on running this time, but she couldn’t be near him right now, not like that.

"What are you...?"

"Look,” She towered over him, her emotions bursting forth and giving a sharp edge to her tone’ “I'm sorry you lost her, I am. But if she were that important to you then you should have just bloody stayed with her. You had forgotten about me, and Mickey, anyway."

"Rose, I--"

"Don't.” She jabbed her finger at him, her other hand on her hip as she leaned downwards, eyes flashing dangerously. “Don't you dare. I didn't want to talk to you about it, but it looks like I wasn't given a choice. So don't you dare baby me. I know what I saw. You snogged her...and probably more."

"She kissed me! And I most certainly did not!” His face contorted in disgust then softened, looking up at her quizzically. “Why would you---"

"I saw your face Doctor, after she died. You loved her and lost her, and I'm sorry. But that doesn't mean you have the right to just leave me to die."

"Oh, Rose. You thought...oh, I'm such an idiot.” He smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand before jumping to his feet. He tensed at her small step away from him, but respected her need for space. “Listen, what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry. And I'm even more sorry because I know past me is not going to apologize for it."

"What? And you just expect me to stay? Past you I mean."

"That's just it Rose. I was an idiot, and I knew it. But I was so afraid that if I brought it up that you would decide to leave...and I couldn't...I never wanted you to leave."

"Then why did you leave me?" Rose asked quietly, wrapping her arms around her torso, still not willing to get close to him.

"I believe I just said that I was an idiot.” He waited for her small smile before continuing, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I...after Sarah Jane I was reminded of how short your life is compared to mine. So I ran. I ran without thinking. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. And believe me, past me knows that that’s exactly what I did...and as much as he will want to apologize and make things right, he...well, I am a coward."

"I just wish you, he, would talk to me. Open up. Half the time I don't know where we stand and I get left thinking I got it wrong."

"Rose, I never loved her. I respected her, was maybe a bit taken with her...a historical figure fancying me. But it meant nothing. It was stupid. She was a distraction."

"Then why did you look so...so heartbroken?"

"She was just another reminder that no matter what I want...I will always outlive you."

"But...I'm just your best mate. You've had other companions in the past...not like you can't just go find someone else."

"And maybe one day I will. But they'll never be you."

"But--"

"You said I looked heartbroken after Reinette, yes?"

"Yeah..."

"And after everything I just told you, that I didn't love her...that I was thinking about a day when you would be gone, leaving me alone.” He stepped forward, gently gripping her upper arms and looking deep into her eyes. “Do you believe me?"

It wasn't fair, going back and knowing she wouldn't receive an apology. Yet, he was apologizing right now. He was also giving her more than that. He was explaining, giving meaning to his actions. For once he was putting his gob to good use.

She believed him.

"Yes." 

"How do I look now? Well, maybe not right right now. I am with you after all. But when you first saw me."

Rose searched his eyes, unwilling to see what was right in front of her. All signs were pointing to it, but it was hard to imagine after what she had just been through with her current Doctor. His eyes had regained some of their life, but she could see the sadness just beneath the surface. Her heart ached for what was to come, for what he had already experienced. She placed both hands on his chest, his hearts beats strong and sure beneath her palms.

The Doctor slid one hand up her arm and to the nape of her neck. His eyes dropped to her lips and her heart skipped a beat. She closed her eyes, thinking maybe this had all been a dream and that when she would open them again...the Doctor would be gone.

She felt a gentle pressure against her mouth. He was kissing her...and she was too shocked to act. He started to pull back, misreading her reaction. She gripped the fabric of his suit jacket, holding him to her. The pressure of his lips increased and this time she responded. Their mouths glided across each other and with each movement Rose felt the weight of the past day wash away.

The kiss started slow and gentle, but she could feel his control slipping away. She sensed the subtle shift with each pass of his lips, sensed the desperation building within him. She swiped her tongue along the seam of his lips, silently encouraging him to go further, take what he needed. A shiver ran through his body and then his tenuous control was gone.

Rose gasped as his tongue delved into her mouth, his hand at the back of her neck angling her head to deepen the kiss. She clutched at him tightly, her brain exploding in sensation. He tasted of tea and time, his familiar scent enveloping her as they pressed closer together. The hand on her arm dropped to her waist and pulled her flush against him. Her heart was beating frantically in her chest and her body was tingling with pleasure.

Not one to sit idly by, Rose followed his tongue with hers the next time his retreated. He groaned and his fingers dug into her hips. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she gave herself over to the feel of him pressed against her, the feel of his lips melding with hers, his taste on her tongue.

Rose wasn't sure when the kiss changed from heated and passionate, she wasn't even sure how long they had been kissing in the first place. He had slowed the pace, but his motions where more purposeful, like it would be the last time they would get the chance to do this and he was cataloging every detail. She had the sobering realization that for him, it would be. Fighting back tears, she kissed him with renewed vigor, wanting to make this memory stand out for him, a light amongst the darkness to come.

They finally pulled away, gasping for air and resting their foreheads together. They held each other tightly, prolonging the inevitable.

"Rose, I...there's something I..."

"Don't," she begged, laying a finger on his soft lips, still swollen from her kisses. She cursed whatever gods existed in the universe for the unfairness of it all as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Please don't. If you say it, I don't think I'll be able to say goodbye."

"So don't."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, angst in full swing. Tissues (or a punching bag) may be needed. Beta'd by the super wonderful gallifreyslostson. Prompt written for pinkliliflower.

"What?"

"Don't say goodbye. Stay with me." His plea was half hearted, saying the words even though he knew she couldn't stay.

"Won't that rip a hole in time? Cause a paradox or something?"

"So?"

"You know I can't do that," she said softly, squeezing him briefly...if she could stay, she would. If she could erase his grief, she would.

"I know." He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them and giving her a sad smile. "Well, Rose Tyler...may I escort you back to the restaurant?"

"Is that...is that safe? For you to be so close to the other you?

"Perfectly. And frankly, the thought of past me coming out to throttle current me is the only thing that will encourage me to let you go."

She pulled away before she could change her mind, her heart sinking in her chest.

Fingers clasped tightly together, they made their way back to the restaurant. They stepped into an alcove just beside the building, neither in a hurry to say goodbye.

"Right, so," he let out a rough sigh and staring at something over her shoulder, "If I remember correctly, and I do, past me is a bit out of sorts right now. Anything hurtful he says to you, just remember...I'm an idiot and I don't mean it." He looked back at her. "And I'm sorry."

"Only you would be able to apologize for something that happened months ago for you and not yet for me."

"Time travel. And I apologized for...for before. For you...for..."

"It's ok, Doctor." Rose brought her free hand up to cup his cheek. "I forgive you."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" He stared at her for a moment, leaning into her touch. "Now, you can't tell past me anything about this, not yet."

"How will I know when I can?"

"Trust me, you'll know." He covered her hand with his own and placed a kiss to her palm before bringing their newly twined fingers to rest on his chest.

"And what if he wants to know where I've been for the past hour? He's never really asked before..."

"Two hours. And you'll think of something."

"Two? Blimey..."

"Just you wait, Rose Tyler." He waggled his eyebrows and she felt her cheeks flush. He was trying to distract himself, trying to draw out their last moments together. "You'll have to do that, actually."

"Do what?"

"Wait. You can't go back to the TARDIS and start snogging me. Well, you could...make for some interesting new memories. But this is best to just...wait, I think."

Rose felt like she had been punched in the gut, the reality of his words and what was left unsaid sinking in. Her future self _had_ been happy because of the Doctor. She had been an idiot to think the future Rose had meant anything else. Future her had been so happy...but only for a time. Her heart twisted painful as she imagined life without the Doctor, stuck some place he couldn't reach her. She looked into his dark eyes, shining with unshed tears. Before today, she would have had no idea losing her would affect him this way.

She wished they could stay this way forever, two unmoving forms as time and the rest of the universe churned on around them. She was learning that life was not that kind. Eventually their time would run out and the universe would rip them apart. Two souls always meant to be one...never given the chance.

The Doctor stared at her with pain filled eyes. She knew that she would have to be the one to leave. He had already lost her once, he wasn't going to willingly let her go.

Taking a shaky breath, she stood up on tip toes and leaned into him. She kissed him achingly slow and he squeezed her hands in silent desperation. Breaking the kiss before she lost herself to his touch, she whispered against his lips, "Good bye, Doctor."

Planting a quick kiss on his cheek, she tore her hands away from his and ran off to the TARDIS, to her current Doctor. She never looked back.

Bursting through the doors of the time ship, she could no longer hold it together. The strain in her legs from running had provided a distraction, the burn in her lungs prevented her mind from dwelling on the Doctor she had left behind.

Her current Doctor stepped around the console, his eyes blazing. "Where have you--Rose?"

She couldn't help it. She threw herself into his arms and sobbed into his chest. He held her close, nuzzling her hair and whispering words of reassurance in her ear.

He didn't ask what happened. She didn't volunteer to say. He would find out soon enough.

.....

Leaving Mickey behind hurt almost as much as finding out they had left Jack behind. In the end she knew it was for the best. And while she missed her childhood mate, it was again her and the Doctor. Still her favorite way to travel.

Then came the wire, taking her face and once again leaving her feeling helpless. The Doctor saved her, as he always did. That was their way. Sometimes she saved him and others he saved her. The experience hadn't been pleasant for her, but it was minor compared to some other things she had been through.

Rose hadn't expected to wake up in the middle of the night, something soft dancing over her face. The Doctor lay next to her, on his side atop her duvet and his face close to hers. He froze, the pad of his thumb resting lightly on her bottom lip. His Adam's apple bobbed in the darkness and his jaw clenched tightly.

"Sorry. I-I didn't mean to wake you. But I wanted...I had to make sure..." He trailed off, brushing his thumb over her lip before dropping his hand to the mattress. "Sorry."

She reached out to him, cupping his cheek. "Hey, it's ok. I'm here."

He leaned into her touch and his eyes roamed her face, hopping from one feature to the next, staring with an intensity that made her shiver. She had been so exhausted she hadn't thought about what the ordeal had been like for him. She tried to imagine suddenly finding him with no face. His brown expressive eyes, gone. His wild manic smile, gone. She would have ended up doing the same thing he was right now.

Examination complete, he reached up to gently pull her hand from his face. He placed her hand on the mattress, his resting over hers. "I'll, er, let you...get back to sleep. Sorry." He began to rise from the bed but she flipped her hand and gripped his tightly, halting his movement.

"Stay," she whispered.

"I don't want to keep you awake."

"You won't. Now that I know what it is." She paused, uncertain. The future him had indicated that he would eventually come to her. But she had to have helped along the way, given him signals that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. She swallowed her nerves, forcing herself to find his eyes in the dark. "Feels nice."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Now lay down and shush."

The corners of his mouth twitched up in a smile as he settled back down beside her, both of them lying on their sides and facing each other. Knowing he probably wouldn't resume his earlier actions with her watching him, she closed her eyes and placed his hand on her cheek. She sighed contentedly and released her grip, letting her hand fall to the bed. After a moment, the Doctor let his fingers dance across her face. The motions were light and soothing, it didn't take long for Rose to fall asleep.

Reassured that her face wasn't going anywhere, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth. As a sleepy smile spread across her face, he set his head on the pillow beside hers and drifted off, his hand still cupping her cheek.

.....

"The stuff of legend," the Doctor said, his voice filled with pride. Sharing a smile and looking at her with warm eyes, he flicked a lever, sending the TARDIS into the vortex.

It had been a long, draining day. Or longer than a day...she wasn't sure. The beast had said she would die in battle. The Doctor had assured her it lied. Her mind wandered to the past, to a moment suspended in time...a moment in blue grass and surrounded by purple leaves.

_"I lost you."_

He had said lost...had denied that she was dead. Maybe he had been the one to lie. Rose shook her head. No. She had believed him then, she would keep believing him now. Both of him.

She shook her head and pushed away from the console. The Doctor was hunched over, looking at the monitor with a closed off expression. Things had gotten better between them since France, but there were still moments when he wouldn't talk to her, when he would shut her out and brood alone. This appeared to be one of those times.

She didn't want to particularly be alone, but it would do her no good to push him. Maybe she'd feel better after a shower and some sleep. Thinking about getting sucked out into space and suffocating to death, she suppressed a shiver. Ok, maybe no sleep. The oppressive silence in the console room was driving her barmy. His company would reassure her, but not if he was going to ignore her.

"I'm going to bed," she ventured.

Aside from a pause in his typing, he didn't respond.

Figures. She brushed past him without another word and headed down the corridor.

She was almost to her room when she became aware of his presence behind her. She kept walking. The air around them crackled with some unseen charge, making the hair on the back of her neck prickle. Reaching her door, she turned to face him.

The Doctor's mouth was on hers before she had a chance to speak. His hands gripped her face and he pushed her against the door. Fire burned along her veins and she plunged her hands into his hair. The kiss was sloppy and frantic, his tongue pushing into her mouth with a sense of urgency. She arched into him and nipped his bottom lip.

He froze and pulled back, staring at her with wide eyes. He blinked several times, the haze of lust she had seen swirling in his gaze slowly dissipating. She worried her bottom lip, waiting for him to speak. She had been waiting for this ever since the first time she had kissed him. Well, a future him. If he ran now, she was going to scream.

"Rose, I..." His voice was low and husky, sending a tiny shock to her core. Her fingers curled into his scalp. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "Is...is this ok? I can...we can pretend this didn't happen. If-if that's what you want."

"Doctor?" She asked, trying to suppress a smile.

"Yes?"

"I believe we were in the middle of something _extremely_ important. And you interrupted. What have I told you about being rude?" She arched an eyebrow.

He furrowed his brow. A wide smile spread across his face when he realized the implications of her words. "Quite right, Miss Tyler. My apologies."

Dipping his head back down, he resumed kissing her, making her mind go deliciously blank. She forgot all about the beast, about the impending future that lay before them. She wasn't even sure how they opened her door.

.....

Three days later she felt the need to tell him about all of it. She couldn't explain why, she had just woken up with the feeling of _now_. She tried to brush it off all morning, the feeling continuing to buzz loudly in her mind. After a late breakfast (complete with a jam flavored snog), Rose excused herself to shower.

The warm water had soothed her tension filled muscles, but did little to ease the ache in her heart. She worried that if she told him too soon, he would be angry. But if she told him too late...How the bloody hell was she supposed to know?

She checked her makeup in the mirror as she slipped into a purple hoodie she hadn't yet gotten around to wearing. Reality crashed down around her.

This was exactly what her future self had been wearing when Rose had met her the first time. She ran shaky fingers through her hair, her shorter hair. She had gotten it cut after the Doctor's regeneration. New Doctor, new Rose.

She mentally kicked herself for not noticing the similar hair lengths the time she had met her future self after Cassandra. She had been too absorbed in her own problems to notice much of anything that day.

Was she too late?

She bolted from her room, only stopping when she found the Doctor in the library. He was sprawled out on the couch, but sat up quickly when he noticed her entrance.

Plopping down beside him she told him all of it. Almost all of it. The details of meeting herself she may have glossed over in places, like her curiosity as to whether or not she finally got with the Doctor. As for why a future him showed up at the last meeting instead of the future Rose, she said that version was very vague with his reasoning, leaving out the fact that a day was coming were they would no longer be together. She told the Doctor that the future him insisted there were some things he had to say that she would only believe if he was the one saying them. She was inclined to agree.

The Doctor didn't argue. From the look in his eyes, Rose knew he was thinking about the reason why she had sought solace from her future self in the first place. He lifted her hand, which he had taken hold of during her talk, and placed a kiss to the inside of her wrist.

"So what do we do?" Rose asked. "I _know_ this was what I was wearing when I first met future me...well current me now, I suppose. What if I'm too late?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. With a little help from the TARDIS and some jiggery pokery with the sonic," he paused to wink at her, "We will have everything sorted in no time."

"You sure?"

"I must have managed it before. Or for the first time, depending on how you look at it."

"Fair point." She worried her bottom lip. He had taken everything extremely well. A little too well. "So you're not mad?"

"What do I have to be mad about? You went on two dates with yourself, hardly a date really. And one with myself. Which I can't wait to see how that turns out." He waggled his brows and grinned mischievously.

She pushed away the sadness that tried to scratch it's way to the surface. She just hoped he wouldn't have to find out how that particular date went too soon.

"You're not gonna yell at me for messing with my own time line? Reapers? Anything? Oh god, I gave myself a hug! When I touched infant me, you bit my head off!"

"Rose, relax. It's fine, honestly."

"But you said--"

"I know what I said. You didn't ruin anything. The universe isn't going to collapse. I touch myself all the time. And I..." He trailed of as Rose arched an eyebrow at him and tried not to giggle. He cheeks turned pink and he shook his head. "Not-not like that. Not that I...well, I...we can talk about that later. The point is, I have come in contact with other versions of myself many times. And what state is the universe in now, hmm?"

Rose open her mouth to answer, smart retort on the tip of her tongue.

"No, don't answer that. The reason I snapped at you before was because time had been altered, and the reapers were already present. The paradox you caused added to the hell already unleashed and made the reapers even stronger. You _may_ have created a bit of a paradox by touch--by hugging another version of yourself, but there were no reapers on your date. And there aren't any now. So no, I'm not going to yell at you. I'm not mad. Honestly, if anything, I'm a little jealous of future me."

Her smile faltered. She wished he hadn't said that. Her heart broke a little bit more, knowing their time was officially running out. She vowed to make the most of it.

"Hey, it's alright." He reached out and cupped her cheek, brushing his thumb over her cheek. "Come on, let's go get this figured out. I have plans for you later." Driving his point home with a kiss that nearly turned into something else entirely, he abruptly sprung away from her and stood up.

She took his outstretched hand with a groan of frustration and let him lead her out of the library. Within half an hour, the Doctor had rigged the same computer to locate the instant past her had finished her dating profile. In an ironic way, the whole scenario had indeed help her snag what she had been looking for: her time traveling alien with dancing issues.

Chuckling to herself, she began typing the message, word for word, that she remembered reading for the first time all those months ago.

.....

It was a surreal experience, living a scenario she had been through before...only from the opposite point of view. She acted the same way she remembered watching her then future self had acted. But it was more from trying not to give too much away than just regurgitating words from a memory.

After an hour, she excused herself. If she stayed any longer, she would end up giving too much away. Besides, she was anxious to find out just what plans the Doctor had hinted to earlier in the day.

.....

They had spent a little extra time with her mum after the incident with Elton. The Doctor avoided Jackie's wrath as much as possible the first two days. Telling Rose that he didn't fancy encouraging her mum's rage by making it obvious that his favorite past time had become snogging her daughter whenever and wherever he pleased, he kept to the TARDIS as much as possible.

On the third day, Jackie caught them. In the kitchen...Rose's shirt on the stove and the Doctor's Oxford unbuttoned. Her mum had thrown a loaf of bread at him and shrieked that he was twelve kinds of lucky that he had a vest on underneath. How that made it less bad, Rose wasn't sure. But after redressing and the Doctor apologizing profusely, Jackie whacked him in the back of the head with a rolled up magazine, telling him it was about bloody time but next time do it in his own kitchen.

Finally getting back to the TARDIS, Rose had another message.

.....

Watching her younger self run out the door, Rose stared down at the table. She was at a turning point. The next time she received a message...it signaled the beginning of the end.

Rose ran out the door as well, needing to get back to her Doctor while there was still time to make the most of. Time to pour love into tender touches and heated kisses. Time that was rapidly slipping through her fingers.

.....

Rose stared at the screen. The message she remembered writing clear as day staring back at her. It was time. She had come full circle. Her stomach twisted in knots. She wouldn't be the one to make it to the meeting.

He would lose her soon.

She pushed away, fighting back tears. She had promised him forever. Just the other night she had foolishly told him the universe would never split them up. She knew it to be untrue, even if he didn’t.

He had warned her something was coming. She should have listened. Not knowing exactly how much time she had left, her mind raced with all the things she wanted to tell him before she was gone. Three words weighed heavily on her heart. Three words that neither had the courage to speak, but she knew without a doubt that the both felt. 

Maybe it was time to say them, she thought as she pulled on a light blue jumper. They had plans for dinner and dancing tomorrow night. But maybe that would be too late. She shook her head, scattering her negative thoughts to the corners of her mind. She would worry about the inevitable later. This was just a visit to her mum's.

What could possibly happen?

.....

Rose found out all too soon that the worst was about to happen.

Her hands slipped dangerously on the lever. She could barely make out the Doctor's panicked voice over the rush of air. If she couldn't fix this...the universe had no chance.

In saving others, she sacrificed herself. Screams tore from her throat as she flew back towards the void.

The Doctor's face, contorted in pain, the last thing she saw. Her name, in a heart wrenching cry, the last thing she heard him say.

Then she was gone. Locked away in a parallel world.

She screamed at the universe, at anyone who would listen, demanding and begging to go back. She beat on the white wall as hard as she could, tears running freely down her face.

She felt cleaved in two, her heart no longer with her body. It was stuck, on the other side of the wall.

She felt defeated. She hadn't told him. She hadn't even got the chance to say goodbye.

She felt...she felt him. She didn't know how, but she knew it was him, just on the other side. All the fight left her body, leaving behind a hollow resignation to her fate.

She pressed her cheek to the wall, running her hand over the cool surface and wishing it was his face.

.....

It was weeks before the Doctor entered her room. He had been in the console room, trying to work out a way to save her and coming up with nothing. He had worked endlessly to no avail. Finally admitting he needed rest, he dragged himself to Rose's room. The pain was still raw and the grief was suffocating, two enormous weights pressing down on him and causing him to collapse on her bed. Hugging her pillow to his chest, he cried himself to sleep.

After waking up, he walked around her room, running his fingers over the items she had left behind. His eyes were sore and slightly swollen from too much crying. He hadn't known it was possible to expel that many tears. He bumped the computer he had forgotten about, the last thing she had been looking at coming to life on the screen.

_Something has happened and I really need to see you. I know the last time I saw you was awful. And I am so, so sorry. I should have done it different. I didn't even say goodbye. Please, say you'll come._

He growled and gripped the monitor, intending to smash the bloody thing against a wall. Too blinded by rage, the implications of the message and Rose's absence put together were lost on him.

One word jumped out at him.

_Goodbye._

His mind whirled, gears turning furiously as he ran streams of calculations simultaneously in his head. Releasing the device he fled to the console room.

He couldn't save her. He couldn't bring her back. But he could at least tell her goodbye.

.....

Rose thought he had called to her across the barrier because he had found a way through. That maybe he had found a way back to her after all.

Twice now, he had missed the opportunity to tell her he loved her.

Wind whipping her hair, the taste of salt on her lips and her heart shattered all over the sand, she had never wished harder for a little more time.

.....

It wasn't until after a run in with a particularly brash red head that the Doctor found himself heading back to Rose's room. He had lost sight of himself that day. His anger at the universe so great that he hadn't known when to stop. He hadn't even cared if he survived the endeavor.

It would have been a relief if he had drowned.

Stumbling into her room, he bumped into a table. A screen flickered to life, illuminating the darkness with a harsh artificial light.

Blinking at the display, he read a message he hadn't read in weeks, months...he wasn't sure anymore. Even his time sense had failed him in his single-minded search for the smallest crack to let him get a message to the other universe, to Rose.

Looking at the message now, ice cold clarity shot through his veins. When Rose had spoke of meeting a future him...it had been this him. The him that had gone through losing her.

.....

The Doctor trudged slowly back to his TARDIS, his hearts heavy in his chest. He had altered his time line, just a bit. Their first kiss had been after the pit...after the beast. Maybe that was always just a first for him. Maybe he hadn't changed his time line. Maybe it had always been this way. He wasn't sure. And he couldn't be bothered to care. He would rather have these few stolen moments, full of soft sighs and tender kisses, to carry with him in his hearts. These few precious moments to stave off the nightmares of her tears and sobs on a wind swept beach where touch had never been an option.

At least Rose had her family.

He was alone. The last of the Time Lords, haunted by the loss of a pink and yellow girl.


End file.
